I start writing this and wonder if I even should begin.
I am divorced.
It’s something that doesn’t define me, it is also something that happened to me.
It has caused people to back away and keep their distance from me that I was once close to.
I am here to share with you my story.
It is only one side of the story.
I want to share not because I feel I need validation for my divorce or because I want to point fingers… I am sharing because this story is apart of my journey in life and maybe it will encourage those who are going through the same thing…
The last three years of my marriage I began to pile on a lot of hurt inside myself.
They’re were some actions taken that I didn’t deal with, didn’t know how to talk about… communication and connection died.
But I didn’t want a divorce. That’s one thing I knew with all my heart. I didn’t want what was happening to break us.
And so for the next three years I buried what happened and I created this image that I wanted everyone to see and I didn’t want anyone to know…
to admit I was hurting was something I couldn’t do at the time…
I wanted to but I couldn’t, I didn’t know how.
All I knew is we had two beautiful girls together and I didn’t want them to grow up in separate homes… I didn’t want to break.
But we did eventually… it was a long breaking.
I remember the day that he filed for the divorce papers.
I sat in the parking lot of the library and I’ll never begin to describe to you the grief that took ahold of me.
It shook me… I looked over as I was sobbing and there was this nice lady in a red minivan just starring at me.
I am so thankful for that lady- it snapped me out of a dark hole.
Every step of us falling apart I doubted.
But every time we tired to mend it there was nothing left to grab onto…
As a mom of two beautiful babies this broke me… how could I have let this happen, and I felt terror and so much guilt.
How could I be okay that this is happening?!
But it happened…
It came in waves- I was okay some days and other days I was not okay at all.
Divorce is a death… and like a death I went through stages of grief.
I was going through the stages of this death before I knew my marriage was over with.
There was denial.
I ignored what was happening- didn’t even let myself go there or process what was happening in my marriage.
There was anger.
So much anger and resentment inside of me that I went through.
I realized we are in crisis and needed help, I needed help, and so marriage counseling is what I asked for but he wasn’t at that point and didn’t want it. And then it got to a point were I didn’t want it either.
ahhh I don’t even want to get into this one because I feel like I was depressed through this whole process
but I remember when I was staying with a family member for a time with the girls I was so depressed-
everything that I had not processed came at me
and experiencing going back to work after being a stay at home mom for five years terrified me
I went through panic attacks- I didn’t even recognize myself
And having only myself I didn’t even know who that was.
I began to realize not only do I need to forgive him but I had to forgive myself.
And once I started to accept my faults and accept my failures and start to forgive myself I began to find peace and acceptance.
This process and stages of grief didn’t happen all at once some came and went and came again.
I can only give you what I went through…
Throughout this whole process I knew that EVERYTHING had a purpose.
Even if I couldn’t see it, even if it felt like there was no end or hope, that somehow this would turn out for the better.
I walked away from that marriage with something I never thought was possible.
That marriage left me knowing something that I never knew…
And there is a purpose for everything that happens.
I fell in love with a amazing man, my darling Evan.
A Connection and Love that I thought would never happen to me happened.
He sees me.
He sees the crazy and the terrible faults I have.
And he takes all of me… all those failings and wraps them in his love.
He loves my girls as his own, caring for them, treasuring them… My girls know so much love in their life… they are surrounded by it on all sides.
I walked into a marriage not knowing how precious love is…
And I am thankful that I do now.
I am thankful for all those years– all those struggles, thankful for all the good times we had too, thankful for the two beautiful children that were meant to be, that made me a mommy and are my heart beating out of my chest.
That marriage was meant to happen…
And everything else that came after had a purpose…
And so if you are wondering where divorce left me and my beliefs I can tell you.
It left me believing that HE makes All things beautiful in HIS time…
That there is a choice in all things no matter if it is what we choose or not we still have a choice to learn and grow and love.
If you’re struggling in your marriage- go speak to someone, reach out, get help. IT IS WORTH IT.
I am so thankful for the Love that found me- it is something I don’t take for granted. It is something worth fighting for.
Every day I wake up so thankful for this man in my life that has healed my heart, that shows me what love is,… He completes me in every way.
This heart of mine can’t even begin to describe this love of ours.
If you know someone who is going through a rough spot in their relationship- be the ear that listens, the shoulder that carries them… don’t judge them, they are already judging themselves far harder then you could ever do… LOVE on them.
It is those acts of love that give someone strength.
We all go through tough times in our relationships, we are flawed humans, we aren’t perfect- we are all in need of growth…
And the only way to grow is to be nurtured, to be loved…
So I encourage you today to help someone grow… with loving them.