I woke up this morning to my littlest, Poet, who still climbs in bed with us in the middle of the night, poking my eyes saying “mommy I want to pet your eyelashes.” Haha
She is always saying the funniest things- and I love it.
We got up and got dressed for the day and it was a rushed breakfast since their dad was picking them up this morning.
I remember all those six years ago when my oldest, Zoey, was born, holding her- memorizing every tiny feature of hers, and how each day she changed and grew and I felt for the first time the pain of time- and how fast it goes.
I feel that now in another way- its a different but same kind of pain- co-parenting. My weeks feel shorter and a pressure to crunch everything into four/three days makes me feel like I’m not doing enough…
I feel as though sometimes it becomes a competition, who can do the most stuff- who can create the most memories… why is this?! Why do I let myself feel like that…
I am learning that even though sometimes circumstances change- me as a parent shouldn’t allow those pressures and thoughts we perceive from other people effect and drive us to trying to achieve something we think others are judging us on.
This is something that I struggle with not only in co-parenting but also in other things in life-
I judge myself on what I feel others are judging me on.
It is has become my thief of contentment and joy.
The thief of being present and in the moment.
It can steal your love, your purpose, and make you feel like you’re not enough.
As I write this I cringe… cringe at being this open and honest and what others must think of me because of this.
But I feel as though I must write this and share my struggle.
It’s not so scary when I look at myself and say- yes this is me- this is what I need to work on- and then change can happen.
Living by what you think other people expectations are of you in where you are at in life isn’t really living at all.
So I am going to cast off those thoughts of doubt, judgment, and pressure to show case what “a good mother I am”.
Those fears that maybe because I am not doing something big or have something fun planned out for them to do every day they might not know how much I love them…and instead I am going to go on loving my kids with as much heart and soul I did since day one… and know that they know this too.